08/ 04/ 2025

Most of all, I want my time back. So much so that I was confused by a version of my past mirrored back to me in another person of the same age when I made a U-turn in life.

An old reflection that lied to me that love was conditional based on my perfectly dutiful performance. On my ability to be a wallflower. On my ability to blend in with the soil. I don’t want that for my life.

I want to say to hell with obligations and hell yes to my journey. I’ve avoided this fiery side of myself, the part that puts my needs first while still managing to stay connected to the community.

The young underdog who woke up at 5 am to do a glam routine for the day.

The firecracker who commuted for years to earn a degree.

The wild child who never let fear tell her what to do because she knew fear was simply an idea.

My people couldn’t help me brave the wilderness. However, my life with them provided me with the tools to do it. 

I forgot who I was for a moment, that I’m a wolf, not a squirrel.

I’ve found reprieve lying on the grass under an afternoon sun, but the time to get back to my hike and hunt is now.

I’ll take my untamed self with me this time. The part that says I’m not bad and wrong for feeling grief and rage and bitterness, for wearing them like tattoos, war medals, props. I’m not ugly because of the jaded look in my eyes, nor the hollow dark circles underneath. 

I’m the blood rushing to stain my cheeks, my lips. I am the feeling of bare feet on the dirt floor, calloused and strong. I am the sensual being lying in wait in the back of a red convertible, driving down Highway One, holding one hand out to greet the sea and holding onto their hat with the other lest it fly away. I am the hero my younger self needed. I am the woman I’m becoming.

A fully integrated one.

A whole, complete circle.

A savage, brave actor.

Yours, in thought and practice,

Nicole Asbjorn