08/20/25

I know that sometimes, when I am caught up in wanting and desiring, sighs slip past my lips as I piece together my peculiar behavior patterns and reflect on your initial reactions to my desires. At first, I take a deep breath, uncross my arms, and relax my shoulders. I lean into the freedom in sensuality and play. I follow the dopamine rush. But not long after, I find myself panting and sweating as my body trembles—recalling the past. 

Not every aspect of the past needs to be preserved.

Not every aspect of the future will be well-intended.

However, time allows us to work out all the kinks in our path and to figure out how we shape our inner narratives.

As I focus less on what I cannot control and only on what I can, I accept that I cannot exhume monsters from the past and make them answer for their wrongdoings. I cannot claim justice, and I cannot make myself feel any better by doing so.

This is where the skill of ignoring my egoic thoughts proves useful; letting them pass like clouds in the sky, I do not have to cling to them. I pretend to allow myself to go down dark paths mentally, spiritually, or physically. I am my guide; I rely on myself to be kind and humble, for the world owes me nothing. I am only here to do my best. I am not a time traveler, and even if I had the chance to travel through time, I would choose not to. 

If I am truly present and not repressing myself, I know I deserve this moment now, even if a small voice in my subconscious tries to debate that with me. I deserve to laugh. 

Sometimes the voice is extra harsh, and it’s hard not to hear it, but I don’t have to accept criticism from those voices I wouldn’t take advice from. My heroine, my goddess, my ancestors who love me and whom I carry with me, my puppy, my family, and friends are who get an audience. I am not a blind follower. I pick and choose my entourage.

Like the seasons, I will continuously evolve into a new version of myself, honoring the parts of my past that appear along the way. I want to stay in the twilight for now, waiting for the morning winter sun instead of fretting over how many sweaters I own or what I will perfect: a recipe, a research project, or a bit. 

I want. And I want. And I want.

These moments that flash through me are just memories that don’t align with my current timeline. I am still myself. I was still myself back then. But I can drift away from them and detach, stay grounded in who I am now, and imagine a holographic cloud in my sunny blue sky. The past is just a story, but one that motivates me to keep going. So, thank you, Past me.  

With kindness and gentle reflection,

Nicole Asbjorn